he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
