Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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