saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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