Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
