We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
