I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
