Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
