1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I looked at my own cervix.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
