if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
