Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
