Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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