pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
