last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
