If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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