I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
