if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
