Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
