I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
