My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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