very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
