she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
