i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
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She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
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I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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