I could make wine with my vomit
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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