I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
