She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
