I cannot find my penis.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
