There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
