she was so not down for the gang bang
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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