I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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