just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
