roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
