I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
