And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think I just sharted jello shots
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