If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
