Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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