the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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