Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
