Where did you get a picture of my penis
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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