Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
