Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
