I just threw up on my dentist
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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