Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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