can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
