I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
