I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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