Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
