My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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