Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
