The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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