my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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