i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
