she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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