Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
