I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
do nipples grow back?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
