he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just want to make out with him forever
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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