so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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