can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
