I think im going to throw up on grandma
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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